Showing posts with label ImaginarySpeech. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ImaginarySpeech. Show all posts

Friday, June 22, 2018

The Imaginary Speech Series #2 : Roger Federer


As we gear up for Wimbledon in a mere 10 days time, it’s a good time to cast our minds back to last year when Federer passed Sampras as winner of the most number of titles on the hallowed grass. Yes, it was his eighth(!) time being champion there, as the t-shirt tells you in a very not-so-subtle fashion. 

And just in case you thought winning that many times might have made him a little bored or slightly humble, you can perish that thought because of course he was neither. (in case you haven’t guessed already, I’m in the Rafa camp. And while we’re at it, I think Jordan in his pomp was better than LeBron, I rate Messi just a little bit higher than Ronaldo, and I’ll put my hand up (ha ha) and say that Maradona was the best ever. Yes, controversial, I know, especially that last one. I like stirring things up.) 

Anyway, back to the Fed. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great champion, and watching him play turns many a hardened journalist into teenage William Wordsworth for good reason, but as I was listening to him at the post-match press conference, his face shining brighter than the trophy itself, all I could hear was somewhat along the lines of this: 

I am King Federer. You people are fortunate to just be breathing the same air as me. Everyone else wearing Nike is trying to just do it. I’m the only one who just did it. And I didn’t even sweat and still smell amazing. 

Some people say i’m a bit smug, but humility is for people with tiny accomplishments. I’ve earned my arrogance. 

Some people also say its a bit presumptuous to print a shirt with a clever pun weeks before a tournament has even started. I call it planning. I even had a version printed at the last minute for Cilic. It said ‘L0ser’. The 0 obviously signifies the number of times he’s won Wimbledon. 

Man, i love this shirt almost as much as I love myself. 

You might think i’m contractually obliged to wear this, but in fact I came up with the concept myself. My first choice was actually “I’m the Gr-8-est of all time”, or ‘GO8T’ but even Nike thought that might be a bit much and also it didn’t read that well. 

It’s true though; no point denying it. I’m the GOAT and everyone here at Wimbledon are just sheep. They all agree that I’m the King. Prince William even told me that himself. 

So get in line, kiss the ring, and touch the hem. Do it while you can, for I will soon be ascending into the upper echelons of my own sense of self-importance. 

PS: This press release is available in six other languages. I wrote them all myself.

The Imaginary Speech Series #1 : Rahul Gandhi

Dear friends, my fellow Indians, brothers and sisters, 

It is my distinct privilege to be able to address you as the President of one of the world’s oldest political parties. Four years ago, in the heat of the campaign for the 16th Lok Sabha, when we argued that the very Idea of India was at stake, many people laughed and considered it hyperbole. It was just another election, they said. Friends, as I travel across our country in and speak to those very same people, I can tell you they’re not laughing anymore. 

They have seen and witnessed first-hand what happens when a divisive agenda is pushed relentlessly and eventually takes hold. They have seen their communities being divided, neighbours living under a siege mentality, and livelihoods being taken away, purely because of people’s religion, caste, or class. This is not some dystopian parallel-universe; this is the reality in many places across the length and breadth of our country. 

Some people say our Prime Minister is a man of action. Someone who gets things done. But there is such a thing as misguided action. You may recall that the Congress party, and indeed independent India, was shaped by people like Mahatma Gandhi, Jawaharlal Nehru, Vallabhai Patel, Annie Besant, Sarojini Naidu and so many others. 

These were men and woman of action, but equally, of principles. They were guided by a set of values, and a dream and a vision of this great country that included everyone: every caste, every religion, whether rich or poor, young or old, whether you lived in a big city or a small town or indeed one of many villages dotted across this great land; their dream of an India was one that included you. These are the principles on which this country was founded, and all of us are keepers of the flame, collectively responsible for keeping that spirit of its founders alive. 

Modern India was formed from the ashes of colonial rule that had brought our motherland to her knees. But, like all true mothers, she never gave in. She was bent, but never broken. She dared to dream. And so, with strong leadership that the Congress party helped provide, and with the blood, toil, and sacrifice of so many ordinary Indians, we cast off the yoke of foreign rule and stepped out into the light of freedom. Young children today read about these things in history books and feel like it happened in the distant past. But my friends, this was our reality just over 70 years ago; indeed many of you can probably conjure up memories of it as it were just yesterday. 

And yet, while we must always remember our past, I agree that we must not dwell on it. We must of course look to the future, a future in which our children, and children’s children, live in a country they are proud to call their home. A country that has taken it’s rightful place on the world stage, and stands tall as a beacon of democracy, fairness, and prosperity for all. This is the country we strive for, but remember that any glorious future will not come easily, and it will involve struggle in the present time. 

Make no mistake, there will be both roadblocks and pivotal moments along the way. I believe we are at another such pivotal moment. In 2014, a new government came to power promising change. Some will rightly argue that there has been no change at all. Certainly not to the farmer’s condition, the systemic corruption, or indeed the job prospects of millions of our talented young people. 

I would argue, however, that things have indeed changed, just not for the better. There has been a change in the mood in our country, in the rhetoric being used to whip up communal hatred, and there has certainly been a significant change in the bank accounts of the rich and famous who enjoy both unfettered proximity to power and, when required, protection from the long arm of the law. India, once a model of secularism, pluralism and unity in diversity is now being ripped apart at its seams for narrow political and financial gain. We are, to put it bluntly, being colonised again, only this time from within. 

Ultimately, when we speak of an over-arching vision of India, it comes down to two choices. On the one hand are those who try to put all of India, all of her customs, people, religions, traditions, her past, present and future, all of it into a box with a big orange sticker labelled BHARAT. On the other hand are those of us who say no, this country is too big and too complex and too beautiful to be contained within such a narrow worldview. We do not want a box, we refuse to be contained, we will defy convention and categorisation. Instead, we will embrace our multiculturalism, we will celebrate our differences, and we will remain steadfastly different while still being proudly Indian. 

The Congress party has always believed in the latter and nothing will shake our conviction that this is the way forward. It is the reason for our existence, it is what we have committed our careers to, and, in many cases, our lives. That is not to say we have not made mistakes; millions of our fellow citizens who have put their trust in us have a right to be both angry and disappointed when that trust is seemingly betrayed. I have reflected at length on our many failings during our long years in power, and they must never occur again. India deserves better. 

I’d like to end on a more personal note. Fifteen years ago, when I stepped into public life, I was acutely aware of the very real personal cost. As a child growing up, I had a few fleeting encounters with anonymity and normalcy, but I knew I was leaving even that behind as I fully committed to this party that has in many ways been my family. I have seen people I have loved more dearly than anything in the world give up themselves for this party and for this country they loved. It is why I wanted to be a part of it too. 

When I finally made the decision to join the party it was not out of compulsion or ambition. I joined because I made a choice to love, and to work with every ounce of my energy to serve this party, and by extension, this country. The memories of my grandmother and father continue to haunt me to this day, but they also inspire me. Because I am reminded that they too made a choice to love, deeply, until their very end. 

Over the past fifteen years I have learned a lot about myself. The rough and tumble of Indian politics is an unforgiving training ground, and there is no finishing school. Political rivals have made personal attacks, and the media has, well, been the media. I would be lying if I said it has been easy, but I have never once contemplated walking away. In fact, everything I have gone through has merely strengthened my resolve to keep going, keep working. In part, this is because I know that despite my own struggles, there are far bigger problems that this country and the world at large faces. Millions of our brothers and sisters are still lacking the very basic essentials that so many of us take for granted. And so in that sense we are still closer to the beginning of the journey than we are to the end. 

As I said at the start, I believe it is a tremendous honour and privilege to be President of this party, and I will continue to lead it into the election next year as we seek to build momentum for the challenge ahead. After that, I am committing to organising a fresh process to elect the next President of the Congress Party, and will work with the coalition partners to elect the leader who will be our next Prime Minister. 

Neither of these posts will be occupied by me, but I will continue to work and support in any way the Congress Working Committee deems fit. Like so many before me, I have made the choice to love, deeply, until the very end. I want to encourage all of you to do the same. 

Thank you and Jai Hind.